Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
