My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
