Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
