last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
