I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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