Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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