the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
