Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
