i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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