I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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