maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
