Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
