I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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