last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
