i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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