I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
pray to the hookup gods
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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