You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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