My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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