Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
