We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
