Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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