It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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