i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
only you would photoshop your dick
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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