i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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