remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
