Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
