I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
