Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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