The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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