For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
