Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
