i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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