Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
