some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
