ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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