watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
