you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
time to smoke my breakfast
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
