those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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