I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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