you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
