what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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