Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
