dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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