That's when you crack a 10am beer
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
