where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
