Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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