Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
