I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
