Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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