you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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