It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
