Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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