Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
