He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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