It's like God shit irony all over that family
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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