I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
