Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
