I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
