WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
