I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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