apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
