david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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